The dark subconscious



I rarely go to this part of my subconscious.


Mostly because people won’t understand. Heck, I don’t understand it.


People always said that writers went to places where they’d weave their stories from. Beautiful creative places where they could make a hit story with just one wave of their hand.


J. M. Barrie. got Neverland.


I got darkness.


I usually get myself busy so I don’t have to travel to the darkest place of my mind. I read, or study, or do chores-anything to take myself away from this place. I surround myself with people. But when I’ve been stuck in a hospital for five days, it does things to me. It takes me there.


Then the bad thoughts come. 


I get suicidal thoughts. Lots of them. Sometimes I’d hold my breath just to see if I could die. I don’t. I don’t usually know why I want to die. I just know I’m not scared of death. I just want to end everything. To end trying to be better when this is all I’ve got. To end trying to please people when I really just want to be myself. To end being trapped in a world where everything was messed up, and everywhere you went there was always more cons than pros. To end being a burden to almost everyone. To end everything. Yeah, that sounds nice.


I slowly get insecure, thinking about what a bad writer I am and how I’d never get famous. How I’d die because I got sick all the time. How I’d never reach my dreams, how everyone secretly hated my writing. I get jealous of younger writers getting their work recognised without even trying so hard, while here I am looking for publishers and agents and people who’d get my work. Everything I’ve achieved has been done with me trying so hard. Nothing ever comes easy for me.


I sometimes remember the times when I got bullied. They’d say bad things about me, and it was easier not to care. But when you bully yourself, you slowly eat yourself inside out. You see all the things wrong about you because you know yourself more than anyone else.


I don’t even know why I’m writing this, but I needed to get this out. To get rid of these terrible thoughts that hinder me from finishing my book, from emailing publishers and promoters, hindering me from reaching my dreams. I do want to get there. I do. But I want to do it my way, because I’m too stubborn. Sometimes I just want to do away, anywhere. Just to see if I could do things on my own. Everyone says I should profit from my writing, but I don’t want that. I write for the sake of writing.


I would cry silently, something I’ve mastered through the years. I cry, making sure I feel every aching pain. I let it out, because when I don’t I hyperventilate. I have the need to talk to someone, but I don’t know who to trust. I’m just afraid that everything will backfire.


This usually comes when something triggers a part of my subconscious that I’ve long decided to keep hidden. Or when I get rejected. Or when I remember something that keeps on happening to me. I hope I don’t scare you all, but I just wanted you to see another side of me. Another side of this struggling writer.


That people aren’t always who they seem to be.

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16 Replies to “The dark subconscious”

  1. Oh my gosh – I had no idea you felt like this. Is there anyone you can talk to about those feelings you're having?

  2. I write to get this out of my chest. Like I said, I don't know who to talk to about this.

  3. OM Gosh, I understand you write to get it off your chest and to help but you might need to find someone to talk to.

  4. We all have down thoughts from time-to-time (at least I do). Start by talking with your family physician for a referral.

  5. I completely agree that writing can be overwhelming and scary. From what I've seen, you're a really talented writer, though. I don't know if this is something that you're interested in, but I run a class for writers who are trying to get published. If you're interested, please let me know and I'd be happy to give you a free class coupon (it's an online course). You can

  6. I think victories are so much more satisfying when you've worked hard to get them. Cheesy? Maybe, but def. true!

  7. This is the first time I have ever read your blog. I think you are a great writer. Don't feel like that.

  8. We all have our dark places that we hide from the world. It takes a lot of courage to bring it forward and share it with the world. While I am sure with everything you have been through lately, ending things would ease a lot of your pain, but you have a family and friends and readers that love you and would miss you terribly so remember while it might ease your pain, it would bring so much pain

  9. Writing is a great way to stand up to the monsters in your closet. I have been there myself. Facing the fears of your past can be the hardest thing you ever do if you have a bad past. When you get in that dark space remember who you are now and thank that dark space for making you the woman you are today.

  10. Im sorry to read about your internal struggles and send you healing light and love. I would encourage you to seek therapeutic help. A professional will help you explore these issues in a safe and productive way… Please do.

  11. They say a person with such a dark side can make into a beautiful artist. Talking to someone maybe best for you but may not be best for your work… But we love you no matter what!

  12. You're an insanely good writer, Le-an. I enjoy all your short stories, every word of them, every time. It's always tough when you're battling to reach somewhere but I have all the confidence in the world that you will be discovered. How could you not? At your age, with that much talent = that's a gift.

  13. hugs i get this so much it's like you stole the words from my head. wow brilliant writing.

  14. I think all of us have thoughts deep within our psyche that we don't reveal to those around us.

  15. Sometimes writing may seem scary to others, but it can be quite cathartic for the one writing it. Hopefully this helped you.

  16. There are plenty of things to think of that we don't realize is in our subconscious and our "deep" self.

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